Line Breaks & Other Violent Crimes

These are things I think about in order to stay alive in Los Angeles.

email me here: eccantwell at gmail dot com

Listen, I have been educated.
I have learned about Western
Civilization. Do you know
what the message of Western
Civilization is? I am alone.
Am I alone tonight?
I don’t think so. Am I
the only one with bleeding gums
tonight. Am I the only
homosexual in this room
tonight. Am I the only
one whose friends have
died, are dying now.
And my art can’t
be supported until it is
gigantic, bigger than
everyone else’s, confirming
the audience’s feeling that they are
alone. That they alone
are good, deserved
to buy the tickets
to see this Art.
Are working,
are healthy, should
survive, and are
normal. Are you
normal tonight? Everyone
here, we are all normal.

Posted at 5:31pm and tagged with: poetry, eileen myles, this part never fails to kill me, one column,.

3.

In 1965, if anything was worth worshipping in that city,
It was the old neighborhood rife with eucalyptus & a few, brooding mulberries,
It was the lioness asleep in the zoo, unmoved by the taunts
Of children or the trash they threw, sometimes on fire for a moment, into her cage.
It was the way she endured it: heat, rain, misfortune; turning on her heels always
Away from you as if there were two worlds, as if you were lost
In this one. She could have killed a man with one swipe
Of her paw, but she did not. And that is why, in the next world,
She has come back as a poem already written for her, & hidden
In this one. This one which fills us with longing. Which bores her.
In 1965 in that city, no one knew less than a boy of nineteen, still a virgin,
Still brimming over with extinct love;
His face shining with acne he’d rubbed raw with a hand towel
To make it disappear; instead, it blistered, & later,
Looking in the mirror, he thought such blisters might be
The visible evidence of the soul. Laugh, if you want to;
After all, the next world is a lioness & she moves without history, like a lioness,
And without mistakes. Besides, it’s twenty years later.
By now that boy’s already poured his first drink of the evening;
So have you, & no tense is as sad as the future’s.
If I’m not laughing with you it’s because I’m talking to myself again:

Posted at 9:12am and tagged with: larry levis, poetry, reading levis makes me lonely in the best way, one column,.

Pulling tap roots from one’s mouth is not ideal.
It is best to avoid sickness at all costs.
Lost, a horse lies on its side. This is not right.
Do not look into its eye. Do not touch
the heaving chest. I had to
believe in hypnosis, in horseflies. Warming the air
until day became night.
The horse’s body caved in, I gave into
ruin. In winter, moles tunneled
underneath our house.
How does that saying go? If you are ugly,
you better not show your face.
And so I fell asleep in the basement again,
in a pile of lint. Full of moth rot,
mercy. Look at me, I’d say to the horse.
Look at me make this forest.

____________
from Front Porch Journal

Posted at 9:41am and tagged with: poetry, jane wong, front porch journal, one column,.

Night, the animal that keeps you alive.
Night, the u-turn of the self. Hear

sad cows moo their way into the fire. Write
the great American novel, and it scatters

into the poor American madman’s thoughts
in the small tornado of your life.

Pull flower petals like prudes.
Put on woolen tube socks, boots,

and march through your animal rage
on Pluto: one big ball of ice too

far away. Shoo away
friends like flies. You’re no more you

than he or she was you.
Blue sadness was a happiness

that turned its back on you. Poor you.
Fuck you. Love, you

followed the same path until
it finished. You died. You turned

the other way and walked it all again.

_______

in the latest issue of Shampoo

Posted at 2:28pm and tagged with: poetry, poetry by people I know, shampoo, one column,.

“Get busy living or get busy dying.” —Stephen King, “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption”


Who knows whose turn it was to
buy the donuts. What matters is they
didn’t show. So we all went outside instead,
where the butterflies were landing. We
took our paintbrushes.

                                     When you want to lie
down, that’s the worst of it. When you want
to throw the shoes away and stick the stopwatch
in the freezer. Once I went through a trash can
looking for a reason to give up. I
tried to live in there. But the lid kept
closing, and the alarm kept going off, and
all the while the shell around me
was attenuating.

                           I wouldn’t go so far
as to say I missed it. But the other side
has so many promises. Who might bring
the donuts tomorrow, for example. What
might transpire on top of the upholstery
in the other room. How many seconds
might be ticking down before we have that
moment on the couch, holding hands,
crying because of all the beautiful ways
things are about to unfold.

Posted at 4:31pm and tagged with: april project, day 30, last one for a year!, one column,.

“CAUTION: FLASHING LIGHTS INDICATE GUN IS ABOUT TO FIRE.” —Inscription above the commemorative plaque for Vancouver’s Nine O’Clock Gun.


Once there were a thousand ways
to know. The cows would shift their legs
that certain way before a single storm
cloud had blown in. The geese would
huddle closer. They might begin
to bite at each other’s heads. Once there was
a bell you could ring and its sound
would go for miles: into dark bedrooms
reserved just for thinking the same thought
over and over. Even that thought
could hear it. You know I’m keeping myself
off of bridges. I’m letting my glassy display
run the numbers down. I don’t know how else
to tell you about all this. There’s a way
the water will start shaking in the glass,
there’s a peculiar layer of dust settling
over the nipples. Here’s how you’ll know
when to stop: You’ll hear a buzz. Then my heart
will explode.

Posted at 8:56pm and tagged with: april project, day 29, one column,.

“Cold meats are the saddest thing in the world to eat—and on the saddest evening in the week.” —Wallace Stevens in a letter to Ellie Moll (Sunday, May 9, 1909).

How stunning the leaves that moonshone
us to this thicket. Big round concave eyes: time
passes more quickly if you watch it
from a spring. If all of us remain calm

we will someday be shown our ultimate
fit. Just go through that door, you’ll
see the sidewalk you’ve been looking for. The
one with all the hats on it. The one without the

taste for Sunday nights because they come with
such a heavy tote. Unpack
it, they seem to say, unpack it all. Lifted up
to the window, the belief you have that it really is

coming closer seems possible. How stunning
the citrus running from the fingers
in the last ride. The silver gleams. We’re so
consistently blinking, you and I. So sadly

in the darkness about the cherry blossoms, and the
perch, and the good souls that sometimes alight in the
morning and stay, just for a moment, enough
to judge our freshness by.

Posted at 7:36pm and tagged with: april project, day 28, only two more of these left!!, one column,.

“Directly I sighted this queer game I said to myself— ‘Escaped Convict.’” —Joseph Conrad


Bedspread on the table. Take
these ankles, make them sing. All
suspensions of the body

end in forest breakfasts, soap
wrapped up in sheets. You look
at that crabapple tree and you know

its other names. Earbuds dangling
past the edge of the vacant armchair,
still swinging. You can’t blame

anyone for being easy to call out.
Just today I looked at the empty
spot on the bathroom floor

for more than a minute. You
know you’ve had to escape
from something, too. Look at your

wrists. You have the bruises
to give you away. Sometimes we
really unzip the blackest day.

Posted at 9:35pm and tagged with: april project, day 27, joseph conrad, one column, escape,.

“Can ghosts die?” —John Donne, “The Computation.”


Teething. Pressing the skin too closely. How
did it start, how does it ever
start. An open jar. The poster on the wall

shows the food chain, shows it wrong.
Who did you think you were
tinting your windows for. Tiling.

Pressing the squares to the floor. How
will it end. It ever ends. Nothing
thrives only on hunting prey. We, too, are

ready at a moment’s notice to give up
these tinny breaths to our
constant shadow. Tensing. Pressing

the hands to the roof of the mouth.
The smallest hitch.
What cannot stop starting.

Posted at 6:00pm and tagged with: april project, day 26, I was about to title this PREY TELL, ghosts, one column,.

Ronnie: I don’t know what you’re trying to say.
Seth Brundle: I’m saying… I’m saying I - I’m an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over… and the insect is awake.
Ronnie: No. No, Seth…
Seth Brundle: I’m saying… I’ll hurt you if you stay.


You see, I am
the one who stays. I
am the part of
you that wants
to be destroyed. I
am the thing longing
to be hacked into
pieces with Patrick
Bateman’s chain
saw. You see, I
really want to be
the one who looks
the insect in the
eyes and is human
enough to feel
the tug of kin-
ship. I
am the part of
you who knows
Cronenberg’s monster
scares you
because you see in it
the basest parts
of people you know,
of your mother,
of this weird life. You
see, I’m not
too far away from
vomiting on donuts. From
peeling off
my fingernails. I
know if I
were pregnant with
a monstrous thing
I’d still call it
baby
under my breath
with all my heart.

Posted at 5:16pm and tagged with: april project, day 25, the fly, one column,.